My Beautiful, Real Life, Mother's Day

first off, happy mother's day!

i don't have much time to post.. we're finally moving today!

for those of you who know me on facebook, you may be aware that littlest man is sick today. today, of all days.  when daddy isn't here to help and i'm packing to head to the new house.  well, the day started off pretty messy.. literally.  spencer summoned me to his bedroom, for me to take him out of his crib.  he gave me a half smile (looking back, i should better describe it as one of those, 'oh please help me' types of looks.  you know, the kind that you're in horrible pain and you just want someone to fell sorry for you?) anyway.  i picked him up and he threw up all over me. 

awesome.

didn't he get the memo that it was mother's day?

i won't give you a play-by-play of my entire day... just know that it consisted of nursing, carrying him on my back, cleaning, and packing.

i figured it was time to hop in the shower before we take off (did i mention that i'm so excited to be moving today? haha).  now, what to do with the little bugger?  there is no possible way that he'd let me put him down.  he's barely holding his head up today, let alone getting him to sit up in the tub the entire time. so, i did what most mommas do... i held him while i showered. i did my best to wash myself (insert eye roll).. i'll shower tomorrow.  but this little guy (who is now sleeping on my lap.. so sweet) immediately laid his head on my shoulder and dozed off while the warm water ran down his back.

i looked at him with those adoring eyes that all mothers have for their children and it came to me that this probably was so beautiful. at that moment, i wished i could leave my body and see it from the outside.  my eyes started to well up at the perfection... 

his sweet face

the curls that appear when his hair gets damp

his pouty bottom lip that was hanging out

his long, lush eyelashes that had tiny drops of water suspended on them

his perfect skin, being showered by the warm water as i rocked him side to side under the shower head 

yes... he is perfect

then that got me picturing 'us' again and, to me, how realistically beautiful it must have been

his little arm hanging down at my side.

my side that is decorated with stretch marks from carrying these three amazing boys

his little dimpled butt that was resting just above my tummy.

the tummy that has grown soft over the years

his other arm wrapped around my neck, with his fingers wrapped in my hair.

my hair that has not been trimmed in who knows how long and is often pulled back into messy ponytail because it always gets in the way

his little head laying just above my breast.

my breasts that have nourished and comforted my children over the years, leaving them a little less perky than i'd like

as the tears were coming down, thinking of all of the perfection it became clear to me that i'm not imagining the beauty.  

it is here.  

it always has been and it always will be.

happy mother's day to all of you 'real' beautiful mommas out there. please take a moment today and pay tribute to how perfect you really are.

When Will I Learn?

The boys and I went to the zoo today. We met up with some friends to see the Farm Babies exhibit... yay, right?  On one hand, yes, and on the other... yes?

Usually I am the queen of being ill-prepared.  Field trips like the zoo usually start in a chaotic morning of me rushing around the house trying to get everything packed and everyone dressed and out the door.  This morning was different, however.  I packed our lunches last night and my wonderful husband even got a roast ready for the crock pot so we'd have dinner ready when we got home (thanks, darling).  Any way, the morning was going great.  The boys were calm, relaxed and had already been filled in on what our day was going to be like (I had shown Parker the zoo website last night so he knew what animals we were going to be seeing and where we were going... I'm doing that every time from now on).  They ate their breakfast and were off to play while I finished packing up the car.

Our drive was as they usually are.. Spencer fell asleep, Preston 'counted' things as we drove by them and Parker was my navigator and co-poilot (never allowing a lull in conversation for more than two minutes).  The Fresh Beat Band was rockin' and we were on our way to a good time.

For the most part the boys were good when we first got there.  Excited, yes.. 'Naughty', no.  We hung out in one exhibit while we all (we were with a group) took bathrooms breaks and got situated for our long trek to the farmyard.  That is where it all started.  Parker was bored.  Preston was bored.  Spencer was bored.  And I was getting anxious.

We took off for the farmyard and things were looking up.  The boys were allowed to run (and jump into puddles) so they were doing ok.  We finally got to the farm and immediately I saw the boys' eyes glaze over.  A farm?  Really?  This is what we drove all this way for?  I don't mean to make it sound like my boys don't like farms... They love them.  However, they love their Uncle Kurt's farm... Where they get to actually hold baby pigs, feed calves and ride the tractors.  This was nothing new and this was boring.  I tried to stay close to our group... I didn't want to completely bail on everyone, but the main entertainment for the boys was this giant pig statue that they got to climb on.  Wow.. So glad I spent obscene amounts of money coming to this zoo... I could have had taken them to the mall a couple of miles from my house. Haha.. 

It was time to eat (isn't it always when you have kids) so we went into this cute farmhouse to have our packed lunch.

This is where the real trouble started.

And looking back, it was ALL. MY. FAULT.

I hate small places.  I hate a lot of kids.  I hate loud places.  Most of all I hate loud, small places that are packed with a bunch of kids.  I walked the boys to the back room where a table was saved for us and I could feel my blood boiling.  Mild hyperventilating is not an understatement. Then came my leave favorite task... Feeding the children.  It's hard enough to keep kids happy/full during mealtime when you're at home and you have a refrigerator stocked full of all of their favorite things, but trying to please everyone with the picnic lunch you packed them is a whole new battle.  

'I don't want broccoli.'

'Can I have a milk.'

'Oh, Mom.. Can I have those (pointing to Goldfish that they sold at the place).' 

'No.  They have gluten.' (thank you gluten, for that easy out)

Why didn't I pack a bigger salad?  I knew that is what Preston would want (my salad), so why didn't I pack another one?

Mid-Meal Bathroom Break.. Of course, it wouldn't be a meal out in public without one!

I took Preston down to the bathroom and then the real trouble turned into WWIII...

The toilet flushed while he was still sitting on it.  For those of you without kids, you need to understand that the toilet flushing on it's own is a huge deal.  First of all, not only is it scary as all heck for the little tush that is sitting way up there (always about to fall in because public toilets seem to be fitted for 800 pound giants) but to a child, flushing a toilet is like being a magician.  You pull this lever, or push a button and then all of the a sudden water comes down and their pee (or in this case a grand number two) disappears.  So.. The fact that the toilet did it on it's own, before he was ready called for a complete meltdown.

Awesome.

We went back upstairs to join everyone else and finish our lunches, but I should have known that was not going to be happening... Instead I returned to a crying baby (he is severely attached to me right now) and along side me was a two year old who could no longer be pleased by A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  Except, of course, the notion that he should run up the stairs to the 'Staff Only' area.. Seriously, can't this kid read?  I, on the other hand, had a salad to finish, along with some chips and guacamole.  The meltdown continued and then my biggest pet peeve happened... Preston got so upset (I believe this was in part because of the fact that I wouldn't let him get his own chip of the plate.. Who even remembers at that point?) that he spit his food onto the ground.  

Seriously, child.... Who do you belong to, because it sure as heck isn't me right now?

I was fuming as I packed up our lunchbox and got everyone ready to head back into the cold.  

We went back outside for some more 'fun' on the farmyard.. Parker was seriously almost bored to tears so I agreed with him to break away from the pack and go see the 'real' zoo animals.  

It was like the clouds parted and angels began to sing.  The boys were still annoying, of course (not to mention Parker's peeing on the sidewalk in front of numerous people.. oh, the embarrassment), but I could finally breathe and *I* started having a really good time.

We spent the next couple of hours casually walking from exhibit to exhibit with only one other set of friends.  Not needing to wait for others.  Not feeling like we need to hurry up to catch up to the group.  We were just able to go at our own pace and see what we wanted to see. 

So, that is where I come to it...

When will I learn that my reactions to my surroundings do NOT go unnoticed by these little men?

They look to me for guidance on how to act and how to feel in certain situation, so I can only blame myself for outburst when in reality that is all I really want to do.  'Behaving well' in public isn't something that I should have them work on, it is something that *I* should be working on.  I get impatient and rude and take in out on the little ones that I should be protecting from this pointless stress.

Let's see if this lesson really sinks in for next time!

'Let Them Be Little'

that is a quote i saw on my beloved pinterest lately... 'let them be little'.

isn't that kind of strange to think about, or is that just me?

i never really take the time to think about how truly 'little' they are.  i expect and i expect and i expect and lately i feel like i haven't been giving them the opportunity to just be little.

parker was pouring a glass of water today, and he ended up knocking his glass off the table.  he immediately got the most frightened look on his face and blurted out, 'sorry!' before i could say anything.

what kind of monster am i?

is he really that afraid of making mistakes, or messes, because of what i might say.  of course, i don't want him making messes all over the house, but it was water.

i immediately ran over to him, cuddled him up and explained, over and over, that i wasn't upset and that it wasn't a big deal... i recently read a story:

This is  a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.

This is  a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.

and today i got to live out part of that story... we didn't get to go outside and try different ways of carrying it, but we did get down on the floor and play in the water (the little ones joined us), we then talked about the different ways that we could clean it up and then i just let him lead the rest of the conversation... it went everywhere from 'how is water made', 'how does the towel dry itself' to 'what kind of dinosaurs lived in the water' (we're in a dinosaur phase right now).

it was great to have that with him... i have to make mental notes to remind myself that most things are still new experiences to him and, right now, my opinions, words and reactions have the biggest influence on him.  of course i was annoyed that he spilt an entire (large) glass of water, but i don't want him to ever think that he has to fear me because of a mistake that he has made.  yes, i know there are times will do things that require a 'consequence,' but not always... especially this time.

i have been doing more and more researching on homeschooling and the more i am reading, the more i am realizing that i have to just 'let them be little'.  yes, parker LOVES doing workbooks and 'actual' curriculum sets, but he also loves hands on learning... mixing and cutting. moving and feeling.  he loves experiencing... what kid doesn't?  so, with that, i have decided to change my approach.  it's honestly going to take more work on my part (blah)... it has been so easy to open our book, see what i have to teach him, do it and be done.  now he (and the other boys) will be leading the way... if they want to spend an entire week playing with sand, so be it.  there are always ways to teach a child, and it's usually most productive when it's up to the child what they learn.

'what was wonderful about childhood is that anything in it was a wonder.  it was not merely a world of miracles.  it was a miraculous world.' - chesterton

'it's more important to prepare your children for life than kindergarten.

*competence*

*confidence*

*self-worth*

*trust*

*empathy*

*emotional intelligence*'

-play at home mom

how true is that?

so... instead of teaching my kids to know the days of the week, i want to help my child enjoy each day of the week... most of all, i want to teach myself to 

let them be little. 

What I Want to Remember

some nights, like tonight, i sit at my computer and scroll through all my old pictures of the kids on Facebook. ugh.. it breaks my heart.  not in a bad way, per-se, but it's one of those 'i love them so much it hurts' types of things.. i'm sure all you mothers can relate.  anyways, while looking through them i notice there are a lot of little moments that probably no one else, besides maybe ben, really cares about. no one cares about preston's pudgy hands he had as an infant, or the insanely adorable gaps in his teeth when he was almost one.  no one cares about his sideways glances at the camera, as he tells me so much with his eyes and devilish smirk or that he wears his underwear backwards.  no one cares about his insane love for animals.

and no one cares about parker's toothless grin that he'd flash me while we'd cuddle in bed in the mornings.  no one cares about his long, messy, curls that he had. no one sees the old, sensitive soul, wise beyond the wee age of three, that i see.  no one cares about all the sound effects that he makes, and the faces that go with them.  no one cares about his curiosity and desire to learn, that you can literally see when he looks at something.

no one cares about spencer's 'scrunchy face' (that parker also made at the same age).  no one cares about his way of watching his big brothers, just waiting for the moment that he is old enough to do what they're doing.  no one cares about his adorable sleepy eyes when he wakes up or his pride when he masters a new skill (no matter how small it is).

but i do.  

i care about it all.  it may seem that i photograph the most ridiculous things at times... a detail shot of their hands while they're playing cars, or how uncomfortable they're sitting while they are reading, but those are the things that make up my days.

i often forget my camera when we actually 'go' somewhere, or i take it with but it never comes out of the bag.  for a split second, whenever we're leaving a place, i regret not taking pictures of the boys while we were there.  however, then i remember... sure i want to remember the good times we had while visiting the zoo, but that's not makes up the majority of my memories.  i want to forever remember the little things, that truly are the big things.  i know i will forget a lot of them, i already have, and that is why i am even more thankful for the random snapshots i have of their grubby faces and dirty fingers. that is what makes up my boys.  

they are messy. they are loud. they are rough. they are the thieves of my sanity and they are my everything. and the moments i share with them at home are my everything... the tears, the giggles, the bath times, the before-bed-stories, the cuddles.

so, to many of you, the pictures i post of my kids may not mean anything, but to me...

they. are. everything.

what do you want to remember about your kids?  

don't forget to capture that memory because, all too soon, you'll become distracted with another day and you'll forget that tiny thing that made up so much of who your child is.

'My Name is Betsy, and I am Addicted to...'

i'm sure many of you have read the article 'how to miss a childhood'... i know i have, a couple of times actually.  with that, i must admit that i am guilty.  i'm not guilty of all of it, but after reading it i did hang my head in shame a little bit.  so...

'hi. my name is betsy and i am addicted to my cell phone.'

it's pretty sad actually... i have all these 'rules' for the boys to earn screen time, but what about me?  i always check my phone, or computer (it is always on and my office is right next to the kitchen) with the intention 'oh.. they're playing so nicely, i'm just going to check it quick.'  well, quick turns into five minutes, which turns into ten and before you know it i've been on there thirty minutes (and the only thing that snapped me back to reality is one of my little men asking for my attention).  of course, that is followed by me getting annoyed that they're 'bugging' me and i get annoyed. ugh.. horrible!

not to mention my phone... 'oh, the cell phone.'  what a blessed curse it is.  don't get me wrong, i love that i can take pictures and videos so easily (not to mention mail them to ben, since he works out of town so much)... but again, it is vicious cycle... take a picture, 'edit' it with instagram, upload it to facebook, check facebook while i'm there, (again 5 minutes has passed), get an email notification while i'm on it, check email... you get the idea.

my new goal is to be here more for my kids.  follow their lead.  play games that i really don't want to play (i'm being honest here).  read books for the one millionth time (this week).

luckily, i have some good kids that know how to get my attention (besides screaming, of course)... they don't allow me to do the 'uh huh' back to them when they tell or ask me something, their questions always demand a REAL answer.... 'isn't it so sad that the bulldozer knocked over the tower?' 'uh huh, that's really sad.' 'why do you think it's sad, that is what a bulldozer is supposed to do?' 'damn... (in my head)'.

and the absolute best... 'mom, can you please drive with two hands.  it makes me really nervous when you're not concentrating on the road.'  well then, that surely puts someone in their place.  

anyways, i have started making a few rules/goals before i earn my own screen time (unless the kids are in bed, because then i have a date with downton abbey, no questions about it)

1. move my comfy office chair to the basement and sit on an uncomfortable folding whenever i want to sit at my computer.

2. have no dishes in the sink before i sit down at my computer

(i know these rules are pathetic... i'm a lazy bum... i'm giving you all a glimpse into my 'real' life)

3. turn my phone text messages on silent during the day... if it's really important, please call me

4. throw in a load of laundry before i sit down on my computer

i'm sure these will change and be updated, but for now... that is what i have.

i am off... my train track building abilities are being summonsed!

Smothered by Stuff

we've been house hunting over the past few months and it has become very apparent that the kelley family will be downsizing!  at first i was sad and upset, but the more i've thought about it the more i am excited for this new adventure.  sure, we'll be a little more cramped, but i am hoping that helps us eliminate some of our 'stuff.'  lately i feel like we're suffocating under all of our possessions.  the kids have a playroom that is overflowing with toys (granted, they play with almost all of them often, but do they really 'need' them?), our closets look like a clothing store puked all over the place and our basement looks like it came out of an episode of hoarders.  

however, until now we've always felt like we 'needed' it all.  

it was really funny, actually.  the other night ben and i were having one of our phone conversations that lasted into the wee hours and it was so interesting to find out that both of us feel the same way, but neither one wanted to admit it... maybe it's partly the fact that we were living in denial that we thought we could keep up the lifestyle that we're living... new clothes, fun outings, babysitters, and all the tiny things that add up, or maybe it was just the fact that we can finally, really, see that the joy our kids get out of the world (without spending a single dollar).  don't get me wrong... things could be A LOT worse, but i'm just thankful that we didn't have to hit rock bottom to see that things needed to change.

a large part of me is embarrassed that i am such a materialistic person.  of course, i still think it is a good thing to desire nice things, but with the way our culture is going (me included), people feel entitled to have nice things and aren't willing to just be content with desiring them anymore.  i often have tell our kids:

'i understand that you want that toy/book/(insert thing here), but i'm sorry... we're not going to get it today. maybe you can ask for that as a special gift for your birthday/christmas gift.  we'll just write it down on your wishlist, or you can do your chores and earn it yourself.'  

sadly, i don't really tell myself that (until very recently).

a couple of new things that i will be living by:

“You must walk to the beat of a different drummer. The same beat that the wealthy hear. If the beat sounds normal, evacuate the dance floor immediately! The goal is to not be normal, because as my radio listeners know, normal is broke.” 
― Dave Ramsey, The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness

“We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.” 
― Dave Ramsey, The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness

“If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” 
― Dave Ramsey

so... sorry friends, i may become kind of a debbie downer to hang out with... unless, of course, you're up for hanging out at my place with a glass of cheap wine ;)

here's to a freeing 2013. cheers!

The Tuesday Like No Other

this tuesday was the worst tuesday of the year.  ok, it's only been the second or third tuesday of 2013, but who is counting, eh?

anyways, where do i begin?

i don't have any idea what was going on with spencer.  ok, i might have a slight idea, but seeing as the gemlin can't talk, i will just have to make guesses.  i'm assuming it's either teeth, growing or better chances... his urge to be on the move.  the kid took three naps.  sounds great, right?  no.  they were three short-lived and annoying naps.  i know i am expecting a lot from that little bugger, but if he could just get up and moving, that would be ah.maze.ing!

the two older kiddos have been at each other's throats today.  i don't know if i'm just noticed the little bickering back and forth more today than i normally do, but better chances are that they need some space from each other.  with this freakishly cold weather and disgusting flu going around, we have been pretty home bound lately and, obviously, that needs to change.  we put up their slide climber and a trampoline... and last weekend ben put up a climbing ladder, climbing rope and an indoor swing.  it has already made itself more than useful with these two busy bodies running around.

anyways, today was just dragging... everything the kids did was annoying and WAY too loud.  i know i snapped at them (more than once) and the moment i did, i felt horrible.  however, an hour later i'd do it again.  i don't know what is going on, but today i was for sure not the mom i strive to be.

oh.. icing on the cake.. how could i ever forget?!?!  

so, i had some clothes in rubbermaid containers upstairs.. this weekend i spent a whole day organizing clothes; hanging up 'new' stuff and packing away the stuff that they have outgrown. the bad part about having three boys in less than three years is that you're ALWAYS switching clothes around.  parker and preston aren't close enough in size to just take if from parker's bar and put it up on preston's (that would be WAY too easy), so i pack it away for a total of like 2 months and then i unpack and do the whole process over again.  then, when preston outgrows something i have to do it for him.  however, preston is my 'little' one and spencer is, well, not. haha.. so i am reaching a point that the clothes can just be transferred from one to the other.  (wow... this is boring... sorry).  LONG STORY SHORT, i had a bunch of bins upstairs, all organized, and the boys decided to dump them all out and roll around in them.  so awesome.  i blew up.  like.. bad.  i had already had enough and this was just too far. i yelled and sent them downstairs to clean their playroom while i did this on my own.  i seriously just didn't even want to look at them (horrible, i know).

i spent the next (i have no idea how long, i was too angry to calculate) bit of time re-sorting and packing.  honestly, it wasn't as hard as the first time because i kind of remembered what went where, but still.. it sucked!  i got the boys ready for bed and as we were all laying together, reading books, the guilt really sunk in.... 

i was so incredibly mean to them today.  i had no patience and everything they said or did was inconveniencing me (even though i can't tell you a single thing i did all day).  

i snuggled in extra close to them and let it all out.  i apologized for how rude i was, for not giving the time they so obviously needed and for yelling at them.  i started crying as i told them how bad i felt and that i was not proud of the way i acted.  i, again, told them that they are allowed to point if i am ever treating them bad during the day and i will try to fix whatever it is that i am doing.

(keep in mind, parker is three and a half and preston is two)

i was awestruck by what happened next... 

preston threw his little (but strong arms) around my neck and squeezed as hard as he could.  then, when he was done, he gave me the biggest kiss on the cheek and then just laid back down next to me (with his arm still behind my neck).  

parker just calming said, 'you know mom, you did make me really sad today but i'm not sad with you anymore.  tomorrow let's just work as a team better.'

seriously.. am i not the luckiest girl alive?

good night all, and here is to hoping that tomorrow is a little brighter!

Ugh...

me: 'what are you guys doing upstairs?'

parker: 'we're just playing hide and seek.'

{insert metal image of two adorable boys running from room to room looking for each other, 

accompanied by the sound of their little feet on the hardwood floor and 

giggles as they catch each other}

welcome back to reality!

what he actually meant is that they were dumping out rubermaid containers of clothes, six to be exact, into a giant pile and laying in them.  

what is the worst part?  

i had just organized those containers... some were too small for spencer that needed to be put in the basement, some that are still a little too big for spencer that were in his closet, some were my clothes, and some were too small for parker, but not quite preston's size.  

great.. so i have a mountain of clothes and i have to re-sort all of them! it looks like gymboree puked all over my bedroom floor! ugh, i'm too sober for this!

Quick Note of Happiness

i love how their little brains never shut off and i love how weekend mornings are filled with a million questions that ben has the patience to answer (in depth)...

parker: 'how are houses built?'

parker: 'tell me about the sun.'

preston: 'choo choo?'

parker: 'he wants to know how a train works.'

hope you're enjoying or weekend as much as we are!

2013

it's taken me a week to figure out what my new year's resolutions are.. 

i have obviously been giving it a lot of thought.  

the following are the way i want to live my 2013:

i thought this was a perfect way to look at the start of a new year... be grateful.

i truly have everything that i really want.. an amazing husband, wonderful children, a super great support system of friends and family, my health and a roof over my head.  

i never thought i would be 25 and living the life i dreamed of.  now i just need to remember to stop anxiously waiting for the next stage of life and relax and enjoy the one i am in now. 

with having children, this one is a given! we may not have money to go out and have all the most fancy  things (heck, we don't have money to have common things right now), but that frees up time for some other wonderful things... snuggling up on the couch as a family to read books, sunday morning breakfasts, kisses and cuddles and building forts in the living room.

in 2012 i had the mindset 'what can i do, i am just one person' but i have come to realize that the most amazing, world changing, people were just that... one person.  chances are i won't change the world (i'm still realistic in 2013), but i can change the way i treat myself, my family and those around me for the better.  and i guess, you never know, that may start a ripple effect! 

i want to live my life deliberately, but i would be happy if i just was a deliberate parent.  i don't want to just float through life on autopilot, and i really don't want my kids to in their future, so i want to take this year to really sit down and think about what i think is important for my family.  i'm changing as a parent everyday, learning more and more about myself and my kids, and that isn't something i could have done if i just sat back and 'watched' them grow up.   i needed to actually get into the thick of it and make some choices, even if it meant going back on what i thought was right (see previous post for donna bell's quote).  i want to continue to grow and make calculated decisions that will be best for myself and my family.

i really need to start finishing what i start (wow, that was a mouthful).  my goal for this year is to deliberately choose (eh.. you see that, i'm already living deliberately. haha) what i am going to invest my time and talent in.  yes, i am a stay-at-home-mom.. i have all the time in the world, right?  i hope to complete more things that i start, and i know the only way i can do that is by not stretching myself so thin.  i often get asked to volunteer for things or do things for others (both of which i LOVE doing), but i really need to start thinking about myself and what is the best for me and my family before i begin making commitments.

i know this is silly, but it's oh-so-true!

i personally love getting things in the mail (don't deny it, as long as it's not a bill, you do too) and i love that i have the power to brighten someone's day by doing something so simple (and cheap).

i must begin to be more patient... heck, if i'm telling my three year old that he needs to practice it, i probably should too, right?  this kind of goes with my original goal outlook on life for 2013 'don't spoil what you have by desiring what you have not' but the waiting is especially difficult for me.  i am a planner.  i like to know what we're doing tomorrow, next week, and next month (who am i kidding... i am already thinking of our plans for parker and spencer's birthdays, which are in may).  right now we are in the middle of house hunting.  need i say more?  haha.. i just need to remind myself that as long as i do what i can get done, well.. that's all i can do.  it's hard and annoying and i feel like a total child who has completely no control over some situations, but maybe i should just take that as a gift that is is one less thing that i have to worry about.  ben has never stopped doing what is best for our family, so i will just trust that he will get us our perfect home (ahem.. 'soon'... right, sweetheart? haha).

be positive. period.

enjoy your manic monday!

Ringing in the New Year Right

it sort of just hit me that another year has come and gone... it doesn't help that i have just spent the last two hours looking over old pictures of the boys, teary eyed, wondering where in the world did my babies go?  yes, i know they're still babies, but they are turning into such boys lately that i don't know how i am going to handle it when we're all said and done with 'babies'.

this past year has been a pretty rocky one for the kelley family... with ben working out of town and a new baby, this momma could use a coffee (wait, i gave up caffeine.. maybe just a nap then). on the flip side, however, this past year has shown me how much i have to give.  

these boys are. my. life.  

i live, eat and breathe for them 

(as i'm sure any parent does for their child)

some days i feel like i am utterly failing and then i hear simple words, like:

'momma, i love you so much' 

'my favorite part of today was playing with my best friends; you (as in me, mom), preston and spencer'

or when i peek in on the boys playing together and their imaginations are millions of miles away and my knights in shining armor are working together to defend their precious castle (thanks auntie shelly) from the dragon (or the ogre, sea monster, giant...) and you can hear in the their voices how much they truly love each other 

(and even with their wrestling matches, that often go too far, they still commonly sit back to back {just barely touching} in the playroom while they each read books)

those are the moments that i know i have done something right.

i don't know what it is, but it must be something.

a favorite quote of mine is one from donna bell:

'motherhood is a choice you make everyday to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing, even when you're not sure what the right thing is... and forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong.'

it just screams out to me because even on the bad days (and honestly there are more of those than i'd like) i can see the goodness in my boys. 

we have done a lot of growing this past year and i am so happy that i am open with my kids about how i feel, what i expect from them and what type of mom i want to be.  i am happy that my kids aren't afraid to tell me how my actions or words are affecting them... 

parker: 'mom, do you know i am not listening to you and i am making this angry face?'

me: 'i might have an idea, but will you tell me?'

parker: 'i am just really upset with you because you said we were going to paint today and now we're going to bed and i didn't get to paint today. that really hurt my feelings that you said we would and so i am mad at you.'

(yes, that is an actual conversation i have had with my three year old)

first of all, nothing puts a parent in their place like their child telling them that they hurt their feelings... talk about ouch. secondly, you have no idea of proud i am of him for being able to express that to me.  if he wasn't able to process those feelings and then be able to tell that to me i can tell you how that scenario could have played out:

me: 'ok, let's go get ready for bed.'

parker (whining): 'nooo....'

me: 'it's time for bed, we need to get upstairs.'

parker (this time screaming) 'nooooo... i don't want to!'

me: 'you better listen to me and get upstairs.  it is late and i don't have the patience for this.'

{enter yelling, crying, threats... and you can imagine how that may go}

*** disclaimer, i am not a perfect parent. i do not always give my children the patience and respect that they deserve... i do snap and i do yell. i said it's been a year of growing, i didn't say i'm fully grown ;) ***

what i guess i am trying to get at here is that i am proud of my kids and i am proud of myself.  like i said, it's been a blur of a year and i feel lucky that i made it out alive, but that's just it.. i am still standing and with this new year, with so many new opportunities, i feel more ready than ever to lead this family on more great adventures.

here is wishing all of you an amazing 2013