The Interminglings of My Insanity

Ok.. So today is a day that I need to vent.  And pity myself. And brag. And express any other random emotion that pops into my head while I am writing this.

To begin... I just want to say I'm sorry to any of you who feel like I have been a total flake lately.  My mind honestly feels like it is going to explode lately, so if I have seemed short lately, please don't take it personally!

I feel like I have had so much going on (but looking back, I don't think I really have) that I have not been able to give my whole self to the things I love/want to do as much as I wish I could.  I honestly have a headache just thinking about the things I wanted to have done by now.  However, I am so freaking tired that I cannot get ANY of them done (Side note.. I am not freakishly tired due to a pregnancy.. So let's lay that one to rest right now. Haha...)  I had all of these GRAND plans to do more things for myself and I had all of these goals set, and I think I have done MAYBE one of them (I'll have to look back and report on that when I'm not such a Debbie Downer).  I am happy to report, though, that Ben and I are taking an afternoon for ourselves this weekend.  'Auntie' Laura is going to watch the boys so we can go golfing.  And I'm sure I will have amusing stories for Sunday night or Monday of my golfing adventure.  Either way, I am excited for some time away from the brats.

Speaking of brats... Oh my goodness.  If someone would have offered me $20 for my child yesterday, I think I would have taken it.  I don't know if he is teething, growing, tired or just feeling a little spunky, but whatever it was.. I don't like it.  Preston didn't want to be held, didn't want to be standing, didn't want to be sitting, didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, but there was one thing he wanted to do (ok.. maybe two).... Scream and drive Mommy crazy.  Seriously.. I started going so looney that I would start laughing.  No joke, I have a screaming infant on one side of my, a poor toddler with his hands over his ears on the other, and me in the middle with this weird smile on my face.  Then, I would notice how weird I was being and laugh even more.  It was a slightly disturbing scene.  Luckily, the angel I call Preston returned to me today and he was his happy-go-lucky self again.  He was so dang cute today... He offically crawls (as of a week ago or so) and is close to mastering pulling himself up on things.  I think I shed a few tears today when I watched him crawl to his walker/push thing/whatever the heck you call it, pull himself up to stand behind it, and then push it across the room.  Granted, it took him a while to get from one side of the room to the other, but goodness.. He sure was proud of himself.  Little stink. 

Enough being happy.. Back to my pity party.. I am having a really hard time lately with the battle between 'do I need it, or just want it?'... One of my newest goals (one of many) is to get our bedroom redone.  I want to make a headboard, hang new pictures, make a couple of throw pillows and get new bedding.  However, my checking account and the number of hours in the day do not seem to agree with me on this newest venture.  I know I WANT to do it (really bad, may I add), but do I really NEED to?  I know your bedroom is supposed to be a place that you can retreat to at the end of the day and blah, blah, blah, but I seriously go in there to sleep and that is about it.  So, I am debating if I should put my time, money and energy into a different place (because I can promise you that I have more than one GRAND idea) or stick to my orginal plan and finish something that I told myself I was going to finish?  Ok, when I put it that way, I know I HAVE to finish the room now, but I guess my bedroom isn't the main issue (goodness.. listen to me ramble).  I just laugh because I have a 'wishlist.'  Yes.. One of those things that 16 year old girls make where they cut out pictures of cute clothes they want and other crap that they don't need and then leave it laying around the house at Christmas time, hoping that their parents find it.  Anways.. I have been feeling very guilty lately because I WANT so much.  Don't get me wrong.. I am VERY thankful for the things I have, but I think it is the disgusting human nature to want more.  And I hate that about me right now.  I see all of these people get what they want, when they want it and it makes me jealous.  I know I could go out and spend all of our money on clothes and artsy stuff and well.. Anything, but I don't.  I try to and then I get to the cash register and I'm like, 'Wow.. This shirt is the price of a box of diapers.' So, I put the shirt away and grab the box of diapers instead.  I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I wish I could be irresponsible for once.  I see so many people (with and without kids) being irresponsible with their money and I just wonder if they lay awake at night feeling so guilty the way I would?  Am I normal or are they?  I honestly don't even think I could find a 'happy medium.'  Not right now, atleast.  I guess I am just wondering if I am alone in this whole mess?

I would continue (with all of these random and broken) thoughts, but my exhaustion is coming on again, so I think my venting and pitying myself will have to wait for another day.