'Whatever happens in our marriage, don't let me take you for granted. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have given me two beautiful sons that you raise better than I ever could and you never hold it against me for having to do ss. You are beautiful in every wy and I am so grateful that you chose me to be your husband. I have been thinking a lot about how much you sacrifice having me away so much and I have realized how lucky I am to have a happy and healthy family.'
That was what Ben told me last night. I don't know if it came from after reading my blog or just because, but after hearing it I of course cried and wondered why the hell don't I see that?
He sees me as a martyr and I see myself as anything but. Why don't I see myself that way? I have decided to write down my daily routine the way I usually see it and then the way it could be looked at more positively.. Let's see how this goes!
630/7am: Parker crawls into bed with me, but I am so tired so I turn on the tv so he can sit quietly and I can get a few more minutes of sleep. 'Ahhh... This is such a lazy and selfish way to start the day!'
730/8am: Feed Parker a frozen waffle. 'Why can't I feed him a homemade breakfast?'
8am: Rush to get the boys cleaned up and out the door. 'Why didn't I lay out their clothes yesterday? Why didn't I get up earlier (without the boys) to get ready so at least that would be out of the way.'
9-1130am: Run errands, go to a playdate, or bring Parker to school. 'I MUST go! People will wonder why I'm not there and what do I tell them, 'I was too tired and I didn't want to pack the kids up?' If they could load up their kids, why can't I?'
12pm: 'Holy crap... It's time for lunch! What can I make in ten minutes because this screaming child will not get off my leg?!'
1230/1pm: Send Parker off to play (yeah, right) while I try to clean up after lunch.
130pm: Get Parker to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, read him books, tuck him in. 'I should be spending more quiet time with him (especially if Preston is sleeping).'
2-4pm: Do a load of laundry. Sit and watch tv, surf the web, close my eyes for five minutes (if Preston isn't feeling too needy). 'I should be cleaning, or at least something productive.'
4-5pm: Try to keep the boys entertained and quiet for a couple of hours. 'I should 'do' something with them. I'm sure they'd like to go for a walk or something. Ahhhh... I feel so lazy, but I am exhausted!'
530pm: 'What? It's time to feed them again? I shoud have made something during nap time so I wouldn't have go deal with another half-assed, horrible for you meal.'
6pm: Clean the kitchen (again) and try to get the boys to be happy and quiet (in the other room). 'How horrible am I? All I want is to be left alone! I bet no other moms feel this way!'
7pm: Plant Parker in front of the tv. 'I can't believe I am letting him watch MORE tv. Other moms would judge me if they knew how much he is allowed to watch. How in the heck do people watch NO television? Does that make me lazy?'
730pm: Get Parker to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, get his pajamas on and get him into bed so we can read books. 'If I have to read this book one more time, I swear I will burn it while he is asleep!'
8-10pm: The fastest few hours of the day! Put Preston down for bed, pick up the house 'How in the world does this house get so messy?' do a load of laundry and try to get some alone 'down' time.
1030pm: Get myself ready for bed (and usually no shower because I am so tired)
11pm: Try to get Preston back to sleep. Bring him into my bed with me so I can get some sleep 'Even though babies arent supposed to sleep in bed with their parents.'
230am: Feed Preston a bottle (hopefully quickly so I can get back to sleep)
630/7am: Start all over again.
Now, I will give myself a little credit and list my daily routine from a different angle...
630/7am: 'Yes, I am tired because I spent my whole day yesterday giving my children all that I can. Letting Parker watch some television while he cuddles in bed with me won't kill him. Maybe he's like Momma and can use a few minutes to wake up before the big day ahead of him.'
7/730am: Feed the boys breakfast. 'Yes, it's a frozen waffle, but at least I am home to feed it to him.' (I don't mean that statement to be rude to those who put their children in daycare, but I always wanted to be at home with my children and the fact that I have made that a reality is something that deserves a little credit).
9-1130am: Run errands, go to a playdate, or bring Parker to school. 'I take the boys to things out of the house because they are usually fun things for us to do, they enjoy them and are given outlets to explore, create and learn. I know I don't have to go to every single thing that is penciled into my calendar, so finding a compromise is key.'
12pm: Lunch time... 'Just because mac and cheese, a peanut butter sandwich or chicken nuggets are easy to make doesn't mean that I am being lazy. It means that I am providing for my child and... Let's call it... Conserving energy. The meal may be a quick one to make, but I use the time that I saved to sit with them and talk. Even if our conversation consists of me asking him to use his fork or take one more bite, I am sitting here with him, showing him that mealtime and manners are important.'
1230/1pm: 'Parker doesn't always need my attention, but I also don't always need to clean up EVERYTHING after EVERY meal!'
130pm: Get Parker to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, read him books, tuck him in. 'Reading two books to Parker means just as much as reading five.'
2-4pm: 'If I were working a normal 8am-5pm job I would be given a one hour lunch break with no interruptions, so if I work NON-STOP from 7am-8pm (not to mention being 'on call' from 8pm-7am), should mean that I deserve two hours to do whatever I WANT to do, not what I NEED to do.
4-5pm: 'We have already had a busy and eventful day (usually), so an hour of just enjoying each other isn't too much to ask!'
530pm: 'What? It's time to feed them again (I would still think that)?' However, it is nice to know that I am not the only mommy who feels like she is always in the kitchen. I need to remind myself that it isn't WHAT we eat, but HOW we eat it. Sitting at the table, eating meat, cheese, crackers and fruit is just as important for our relationship as if we were eating a meal that took me hours to prepare.
6pm: 'A lot of moms check out about this time... I am not alone!'
7pm: Parker gets to watch an episode of Backyardigans before bedtime. 'It won't kill him to watch television, he enjoys it (and it's not that annoying for me to listen to). Who cares if other people don't let their kids watch television? I watched tv when I was a kid and I grew up just fine!'
730pm: Get Parker to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, get his pajamas on and get him into bed so we can read books. 'I am going to miss this someday!' I don't have to read fifty books, but I want him to know that reading is important and what is the best way to show him that? Doing it with him... In time, not too far from now, he will be reading by himself before bedtime and I will be waiting outside his door, yearning to be snuggled in bed with him reading a book from memory.
8-10pm: 'I deserve downtime. The laundry doesn't need to be done and the the house will just get messy again tomorrow. That being said... I can save some energy. I make my home safe and loving for my children. They need that and a rejuvenated mommy more than they need a spotless home with their clothing all put away perfectly!'
1030pm: Get myself ready for bed after another long day.
11pm: Cuddle and bond with my little man!
230am: Spend a little alone time with Preston. Yes, it's not wonderful getting up in the middle of the night, but by doing this I am showing him that I love him and I will always be here for him!
630/7am: Start all over again (by myself four to five days a week)