Monday, August 1, 2011

I Just Became a Statistic...

I get pregnant when I try. I have easy pregnancies. And I have even easier deliveries.  I thought I was untouchable.  Ben and I tried for two months (which was upsetting for us that we didn't get pregnant on the first try.. pathetic, I know).  Luckily, the second month ended with success!

I took a test a couple of days before I was due to get my period, both came back negative.  I was upset, of course, but I still had a glimmer of hope that I was actually pregnant (my boobs were killing me and eggs sounded good).  Sure enough, I bought a different brand of at home pregnancy tests and took one once I became a few days late.  We were so excited with the results.. I threw the 'Big Brother' shirt on Preston and called our families.  I felt a little strange for a couple of reasons, but from what I knew.. A baby was growing inside me, I was due in early April and I couldn't be more excited.

Saturday I went to Valleyfair for a bachelorette party.  I went on a ride (from what I read, pregnancies that are farther along are threatened because the jerking motions could tear the placenta away from the uterine wall.  However, my placenta was just forming and not even attached yet.).  I didn't feel the greatest, I think I was more nervous than anything, so I skipped the next few.  I noticed spotting that day, which I know is completely normal, but I decided to take it even easier....

We got to the hotel, where we were going to get ready to go out, and I was about to get into the shower when I noticed blood.  Not a ton, but definitely more than spotting.  I immediately hated myself for going on rides and called my doctor.  The nurse told me to try to settle myself down, but she also said that I should get to the nearest emergency room.

I left the party and went on my own.  I didn't want to call anyone (yet) because one, it may be nothing and two, there was nothing other people could do but be worried.  I got to the emergency room and waited. And waited. And waited.  I was in the waiting room for over an hour and a half before I was finally taken back to an exam room.  If I would have known it was going to take that I long I would have just driven home and went to my local hospital, but of course.. I didn't.

I got into an exam room and a doctor came in to ask me some questions.  Why am I here? What happened? Blah, blah, blah....

They drew blood and I was given a pelvic exam.  She was going to order an ultrasound, but instead she just came in and told me the news...

When the tested my blood, my hCG level should have been around 1000.  It was at 7.  She figured that I pretty much conceived and the day I took the test, I was already aborting the baby.  By the way.. I hate using the the word 'abort,' because I think it sounds like I had a choice.. Let me tell you, that is not the choice I would have made.  Anyways..

I wish I would have never taken that other test because I could have just told myself that I was a week late or something. 

I know it is better that it happened now, instead of weeks or months from now.

But it still sucks and I am still upset.

I know everything happens for a reason.

But it still sucks and I am still upset.

I know I have two healthy, beautiful boys already.

But it still sucks and I am still upset.

I am upset for so many different reasons and if any of you have ever have this happen to you, I'm sure you understand.  And if this hasn't ever happened to you.. I hope you never have to try to understand.

I am obviously upset because I 'lost' a child.  I know it was just a ball of cells at this point, but it was still my baby ball of cells.

I am upset that I had to wait so long to find out any sort of answers. 

I feel really upset because I feel like I failed.  I know it was out of my control, but still... Like I said before, I prided myself on my baby making abilities and now... I guess I don't even know what to say.

I am currently at a loss for words, but I am sure I will have much more to report as days go by. I know I am not the only one who has ever gone through this, and I know I am not alone through this whole healing process, but when I never really heard anyone else's story, so I wanted to share this with all of you and hopefully you can really know that you're not alone if this ever happens.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I do understand, and I know how hard it is and how bad it feels. I found your blog via a search for melted crayons. My miscarriage happened many years ago, but I remember how painful it was, and how hard it was that many didn't understand. Although I found, the more I talked to people, the more I found that many had been through it too. My thoughts are with you.